I cheat at kickball

So we won again last night 8-5 over a team with 6 girls and 2 guys. We actually should have won by more but half of our outfield was drunk for some reason. It was like herding cats.

I don't want to discuss the game for that reason. I want to discuss the playoffs. We are playing the Gold team. Again. Lickballs. They are the Apollo Creed of our season having beaten us twice. The purpose of this post is to tell the world that I cheat at kickball.

While everyone else in the league is sleeping, I'm running stairs and lifting weights in my gym. My favorite are the leg extensions. My quads are humongous right now. This allows me to hit the ball farther than anyone else in the league and puts our team at an unfair advantage.

I am going to go into training for the next 6 days until the game next week. I plan to eat 6 raw eggs and run at 5 in the morning up the steps of the lincoln memorial. I will get one of my friends to repeatedly hit me in the stomach with a 2x4. I will chase after live chickens to improve my foot speed. Playoffs are the reason why I'm here. People think I'm crazy to care so much about kickball. But I question whether these people have ever truly sacrificed themselves in the pursuit of a championship.

Last year we entered the playoffs in a similar position and got to the championship game. I would not be denied that day. I caught a bunt and threw it at the other team's bench and yelled at them to stop man bunting. I hit 3 home runs. It was sick.

Now please excuse me while I run 5 miles, dead lift 300 pounds and do 500 pound squats. I will post later in the week with my progress.